The Little Things

Lately I've had a lot of time to myself to sit back and reflect.  Not just upon me or my life, but upon the little things which surround each of us everyday.  For example, just today I walked out of my building to smell the fresh scent of lilac filling the air.  With spring upon us, the trees and flowers are starting to be in full bloom again and it was a pleasant surprise.  The scent took me back to my childhood and growing up in my little town with my mother and sister.  It reminded me of long days in summer being spent playing in the yard, on the old wooden swing set and with my sister.  The imaginary games.  Active. Loud. Quiet.  All of the emotions, hopes, and dreams I had back then seemed so simple. The innocence of childhood has stuck in my mind all day.  The thoughts and feelings I had left me in a very light and cheerful mood.  One simple smell changed how my entire outlook on the day was going to be.  After today, I've contemplated how often I have encountered these little surprises in life and have not noticed them.  It does not matter what or who you believe sends them into your life, take the challenge of finding them each and everyday.  They appear for a reason: To remember. To listen. To smile. Think. Change. They're there for you to decide what to do with them. So do something. "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." ~Les Brown

Overdue

Fours years. The time doesn't even seem real anymore and here I sit wondering how much of those four years I truly wasted. Setting my future, making my life plans: Where I would live, who I would marry and what we would name our kids. Maybe I was too naive to think it was too good to be true. In those four years I never thought about wanting someone else or that there may be someone else out there waiting for me. Apparently I was alone even though everything he said and did told me otherwise. When reality finally slipped away and the illusion was created, I will never know. He left without a warning. No explanations. Not even a goodbye. I was left thinking things were just fine and left to assume he'd be back to explain everything. I was left to feel ashamed that I didn't even pick up on him wanting someone else. Distance wasn't the excuse, you were the excuse. I deserved the truth through you, but instead I was left to find out through someone else that you were happy somewhere else without me.
The past four months are shattered  and somehow he can magically pick up and be happy with this mystery girl, even start a family only after a matter of months. I tried to convince myself that it was a one time mistake that he just had to pay for, but i'm tired of fooling myself... We were so close to having forever that I could almost touch it. Where did everything go wrong? What did I do to be treated this way? These questions will forever go unanswered...I wasn't enough, so he found better. I would have given him the moon and all the stars in the sky, but I guess she offered more...I hope she gives you everything I couldn't and I hope one day you think of me and realize you can never go back from this. To the moon and back is the closest you'll ever get to me again

~Broken Hearted

I'd be Lying if I Told You Losing You is Something I can Handle...

What if one day you woke up. Everything was perfect in your life in every aspect. Then you get the horrifying news that your life, your air was going to be 800 miles away perminently. These are the words I've been regretting to hear for a long time now. Knowing that this person is the one solid rock keeping those words from hitting is a thin rope. Things have been so hard. So hard to go day to day without thinking at the end it could be one of our last days together. I have to be strong,,,for you, because you need the best anyone could give you and you need to be 100% happy. Stability will make that happen and I know right now that's not really an option. The thought scares me more than anything. Knowing that there's that chance distance could set a barrier between our worlds that will slowly grow until nither can get to the other side to escape the darkening corners. Those corners haunt my very being. Numerous dreams have left me in the dark, tear streaked, and alone. Nowhere to look. No one to understand. No one I would even have the strength to burden them with my fears of the what ifs...

No Title was Found

I'm in the dark. No clue how to get out. I feel so much, but can move so little. I don't know what my future holds, or where to go. All I know is I'm not giving up if it kills me. My life means nothing if it's hurting another. So I wander on...looking for that light to guide me where I'm supposed to go. Lift me up and tell me I have strength to conquer the world. Untill then I'll wander aimlessly in the dark abyss loving and living without a clue on if I'm doing it right. 4155 259297 5683 968 263 668 23 25483 9484688 968 34448 844789 663 64 34448 47 78455 843 2378 329 63 69 5433. <3

World's Greatest Ride

What can I honestly say, my life's a task in its self. Everyday's a new adventure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes wrong, sometimes right, sometimes up, sometimes down. I never know where it will take me, and maybe it's for the best. I guess the one possitive outcome is that I never get bored with where I am. When I wake up every morning, it's like getting on a new ride all over. Right now I guess you could say I'm going down one of the steep hills, just before the gut wrenching twist. Not knowing for sure how it's going to be,,,whether I'll love it or hate it. I know one thing, I'd hold the record for the world's greatest roller coaster ride.
I don't even have emotion right now. You could say I'm just on the ride for the bragging rights. How can I feel anything anymore when I've grown so cold to this repeating cycle that always ends the same way? With the same result of being ok. Maybe I just put myself on auto pilot because I'm tired of feeling everything inside ripped to peices and can't put the effort in to fix it anymore. I don't want to give up, but one person can only take so much right? I guess that's why my life is the world's greatest ride...

Looking From the Outside

Can I help not to feel left out?

Half the time I can't even guess what they're talking about.

They never want to share, so I just pretend I don't care.

I laugh it off for the most part.

But after so much, I can't defend my heart.

Eventually I'll just give up and let them win.

Because I'll always just be an outsider looking in.

At first it was merly a shrug followed by 'friend'

But it's so hard to belive that and pretend

That she has no feelings and doesn't wish

That I would move on and give her a chance

To take my place and savor a dance

He doesn't seem to have a clue

How do I even begin to give him a hint?

When I'm just an outsider looking in.

So I guess until I can sort through the mess

I'll just hold it all in and act my best

For it's probably just a trick of the mind

Something everyone else leaves behind.

What is there to do, but sit and wait.

Even if it gets to the point and it's too late.

Then I remember as look again...

I'm on the outside looking in.

Silly Amiture, Life is for Pros

Could life ever get more confusing than this? All I want is everything I can't have. I'm happy where I am, but I'm happy with what I could have...Where do I go? Which way do I turn? How am I supposed to figure out how to feel when I want to feel both. That heart stopping, breathe catching, falling faster than you can ever think adrenaline rush is what I wake up for. But that comfort of always being set still lingers in everything I do. I can't forget everything I feel and I don't want to. I'm not being fair and I know this. I need this in my life and I'd give everything to make it easier but easy just doesn't seem to give me a chance. I'll wonder in the fog till I find where you are and we'll make it through together, because my love will never die, and hopefully neither do we. I can't wait for seven years~

The World Through a Looking Glass

A looking glass...Such a useful tool? It magnifies words, pictures, or small objects to a bigger size for the naked eye to see more clearly. To many this tool is a daily item needed in reading. Like everything it has it's flaws,,,you consistantly have to move it across the paper to be able to magnify all the words as it limits what you can see on the other side.

I guess you could say this is what my life has been like,,,looking through a looking glass, only allowing me to see certain things on the other side. I've geared into auto pilot and let the looking glass move about to where ever it pleases and to only let me see certain objects through it more clearly. I guess in a way it's my subconscious way to block everything else out. The good, the bad, and the complicated. I let my options be brought to me through that looking glass and only limit my choices to the ones shown to me. But is that truly all I have to choose from? Could I remove the looking glass to see the whole world around me and be able to still filter out all the blurry images not important for my life? Would the choices I then would have still lead me in the right path? Without that looking glass as my crutch, I could be prone to hurting more people I love. Someone always is effected in every choice made by everyone,,,so why do I dwell so much on what effect my choices will have? How can I ever choose between two people I love without making one feel less loved? Is it even possible? So I guess looking through the looking glass is just my life. Just what I do to hide everything inside. Maybe one day I won't be scared to ditch it in the dumpster but for now, I'm admitting my fear of losing everything from making the wrong move. So here I sit, looking at the world through my looking glass.

The Words He'll Never Read....

The picture says it all. I Love You. There I said it and I'm not going to try and deny it anymore. I loved you then and a part of me still loves you now. Since that first day we met you've been forever engraved in my life and into my heart. Times have definitely changed, and we can't undo what has been done, but it doesn't even matter. I need you in my life every second of everyday. I need to have that shoulder to turn to when all else is lost, because you're my best friend. No matter what no one can ever take that away from us. You'll be my best friend till the end because I need you just as much as you need me. I know you feel like you're coming between who I love now and what I miss, but you're not. Having you in my life helps me move on and get pass what I've missed for so long. You're the one person I could always turn to for an open ear and not be judged or ridiculed for my choices, because you understand. We have our different views on why it didn't work, but no matter what you can't blame yourself. You didn't run, no matter what you want to believe. All that matters now is that I have you back in my life so don't ever leave again. Please..

Final Goodbye's are Never Final

I thought it was our final goodbye
As I held back the on-going urge to cry
It had been so long since I'd smiled on my own
I knew what had to be done and I wasn't scared to go on alone
You were there for so long it was so hard to believe
How fast that other heart made you leave
What would change if I gave you another chance?
Would there come that not so far off day when you'd leave for a different dance?
I tried with everything I had to show you how it felt
To know that someone was always there to pull you up when you knelt
Nobody can change time
Time, what is time but a way to hide the shame or shine?
I guess time hasn't been on our side, or you just were on for the ride
So why, then have you come back again?
Did the heart you once left for not erase the memories of then?
You just shrug and say some move on while others remain
Are you for real or is this just part of your game?
I gave you my all then
So I'm scared you'll let me fall again
I thought I would love you forever
But maybe part of me can never
As much as the risk seems to tempt the soul
I've given my heart away in whole
So as I dream the ending to be anything different under the sky
I'm afraid love, this has to be our final goodbye