World's Greatest Ride

What can I honestly say, my life's a task in its self. Everyday's a new adventure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes wrong, sometimes right, sometimes up, sometimes down. I never know where it will take me, and maybe it's for the best. I guess the one possitive outcome is that I never get bored with where I am. When I wake up every morning, it's like getting on a new ride all over. Right now I guess you could say I'm going down one of the steep hills, just before the gut wrenching twist. Not knowing for sure how it's going to be,,,whether I'll love it or hate it. I know one thing, I'd hold the record for the world's greatest roller coaster ride.
I don't even have emotion right now. You could say I'm just on the ride for the bragging rights. How can I feel anything anymore when I've grown so cold to this repeating cycle that always ends the same way? With the same result of being ok. Maybe I just put myself on auto pilot because I'm tired of feeling everything inside ripped to peices and can't put the effort in to fix it anymore. I don't want to give up, but one person can only take so much right? I guess that's why my life is the world's greatest ride...

Looking From the Outside

Can I help not to feel left out?

Half the time I can't even guess what they're talking about.

They never want to share, so I just pretend I don't care.

I laugh it off for the most part.

But after so much, I can't defend my heart.

Eventually I'll just give up and let them win.

Because I'll always just be an outsider looking in.

At first it was merly a shrug followed by 'friend'

But it's so hard to belive that and pretend

That she has no feelings and doesn't wish

That I would move on and give her a chance

To take my place and savor a dance

He doesn't seem to have a clue

How do I even begin to give him a hint?

When I'm just an outsider looking in.

So I guess until I can sort through the mess

I'll just hold it all in and act my best

For it's probably just a trick of the mind

Something everyone else leaves behind.

What is there to do, but sit and wait.

Even if it gets to the point and it's too late.

Then I remember as look again...

I'm on the outside looking in.

Silly Amiture, Life is for Pros

Could life ever get more confusing than this? All I want is everything I can't have. I'm happy where I am, but I'm happy with what I could have...Where do I go? Which way do I turn? How am I supposed to figure out how to feel when I want to feel both. That heart stopping, breathe catching, falling faster than you can ever think adrenaline rush is what I wake up for. But that comfort of always being set still lingers in everything I do. I can't forget everything I feel and I don't want to. I'm not being fair and I know this. I need this in my life and I'd give everything to make it easier but easy just doesn't seem to give me a chance. I'll wonder in the fog till I find where you are and we'll make it through together, because my love will never die, and hopefully neither do we. I can't wait for seven years~

The World Through a Looking Glass

A looking glass...Such a useful tool? It magnifies words, pictures, or small objects to a bigger size for the naked eye to see more clearly. To many this tool is a daily item needed in reading. Like everything it has it's flaws,,,you consistantly have to move it across the paper to be able to magnify all the words as it limits what you can see on the other side.

I guess you could say this is what my life has been like,,,looking through a looking glass, only allowing me to see certain things on the other side. I've geared into auto pilot and let the looking glass move about to where ever it pleases and to only let me see certain objects through it more clearly. I guess in a way it's my subconscious way to block everything else out. The good, the bad, and the complicated. I let my options be brought to me through that looking glass and only limit my choices to the ones shown to me. But is that truly all I have to choose from? Could I remove the looking glass to see the whole world around me and be able to still filter out all the blurry images not important for my life? Would the choices I then would have still lead me in the right path? Without that looking glass as my crutch, I could be prone to hurting more people I love. Someone always is effected in every choice made by everyone,,,so why do I dwell so much on what effect my choices will have? How can I ever choose between two people I love without making one feel less loved? Is it even possible? So I guess looking through the looking glass is just my life. Just what I do to hide everything inside. Maybe one day I won't be scared to ditch it in the dumpster but for now, I'm admitting my fear of losing everything from making the wrong move. So here I sit, looking at the world through my looking glass.

The Words He'll Never Read....

The picture says it all. I Love You. There I said it and I'm not going to try and deny it anymore. I loved you then and a part of me still loves you now. Since that first day we met you've been forever engraved in my life and into my heart. Times have definitely changed, and we can't undo what has been done, but it doesn't even matter. I need you in my life every second of everyday. I need to have that shoulder to turn to when all else is lost, because you're my best friend. No matter what no one can ever take that away from us. You'll be my best friend till the end because I need you just as much as you need me. I know you feel like you're coming between who I love now and what I miss, but you're not. Having you in my life helps me move on and get pass what I've missed for so long. You're the one person I could always turn to for an open ear and not be judged or ridiculed for my choices, because you understand. We have our different views on why it didn't work, but no matter what you can't blame yourself. You didn't run, no matter what you want to believe. All that matters now is that I have you back in my life so don't ever leave again. Please..

Final Goodbye's are Never Final

I thought it was our final goodbye
As I held back the on-going urge to cry
It had been so long since I'd smiled on my own
I knew what had to be done and I wasn't scared to go on alone
You were there for so long it was so hard to believe
How fast that other heart made you leave
What would change if I gave you another chance?
Would there come that not so far off day when you'd leave for a different dance?
I tried with everything I had to show you how it felt
To know that someone was always there to pull you up when you knelt
Nobody can change time
Time, what is time but a way to hide the shame or shine?
I guess time hasn't been on our side, or you just were on for the ride
So why, then have you come back again?
Did the heart you once left for not erase the memories of then?
You just shrug and say some move on while others remain
Are you for real or is this just part of your game?
I gave you my all then
So I'm scared you'll let me fall again
I thought I would love you forever
But maybe part of me can never
As much as the risk seems to tempt the soul
I've given my heart away in whole
So as I dream the ending to be anything different under the sky
I'm afraid love, this has to be our final goodbye

Caution isn't for the Bold

Ever been so lost it's like you're in a crazy fog?
That's been my life for the past week. Nothing but wandering aimlessly through the dense fog I led myself into. A mix of emotions rushes over me each and every step I take, thoughts rush through my head as I try to sort out wrong from right. Am I leading myself in the right direction or am I going to see through the fog and realize I'm worse off than when I started? It's tough not knowing which way to turn, but I won't do this with caution. I'm a fighter; I'll stand by my side till the end.
Nothing ever works out the way you expect it to. When you think you have it all figured out and finally got it right, something is added to the equation and you start from scratch. Memories from the past you thought you put under lock and key deep down in a forbidden dark abyss of your thoughts soon start to flood you like a giant tidal wave. You start to second guess every move you've made since that time in your life. You ask yourself questions long forgotten and wish these thoughts would just go away. Everything was just fine before...right? Things you thought, and assupmtions you've made turn out to be wrong and the title you've put on now just doesn't fit.
When did all this truly happen and why can't I just forget it all and never have to think about that time and place again? The deepest, lowest place I've ever been now seems to fade and I want back the good that eventually brought all that pain and that feeling of utter and complete loss.
I start to think maybe it truly is fate, or just a part of my life I can't run from or pretend not to care about. As much as everyone knows touching a hot stove will burn, you still have that urge to check it again. So why, why then do we continue to do it? Out of curiosity? Out of shear desire to want to feel that rush of adrenaline? Out of wanting to go back in time and relive that very moment when everything changed forever? Who then can tell me this?
It seems everyone has there opinion and no matter how mine changes it won't ever be right. So in the end caution is needed for the bold. Because even the bold have things to lose. Even the bold don't always try their luck, for they know they could lose the happiest place they've ever been. No one wants to be out of that place. As the fog lifts, I'm finding that the place I'm in can't be worth losing over the place I was. "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." ~Great Gatsby